The Diocese of Niagara is employing bouncers

At my age there aren’t too many new things left to experience – or perhaps that I care to experience – but today I did experience something new: I was pushed and frogmarched out of a church. I have visited churches and cathedrals throughout much of Europe and I have never before been asked to leave, let alone been physically ejected.

The church with the unusual approach to hospitality was at St. Hilda’s building where the Diocese of Niagara was holding its Easter Sunday service. I decided to call in and visit the diocese this morning in order to take a few photographs of the diocesan service. I had two reasons for doing so: one was to compare it to the St. Hilda’s ANiC service held at a school, the other was to obtain a record of how many people were attending the service.

I am interested in attendance numbers because Michael Patterson has sworn an affidavit to the effect that 15 – 25 people attend the diocesan services at St. Hilda’s and it is a “growing congregation”. A visitor to the service told me that there was no congregation at all when he attended; which means Michael Patterson has been telling porkies. So I thought I would see for myself on Easter Sunday when the diocese should have its maximum attendance.

When I went in to the narthex, I was approached by a person whom I took to be a greeter; she asked me why I was there. I explained that I wanted to take a photo of the interior of the church – she had by now spotted my camera. The greeter-bouncer leapt adroitly into action and barred the door to the sanctuary declaring loudly that I could not go in. I felt I was being treated rather like the Balrog trying to cross the bridge of Khazad-dum; I protested mildly and pointed the camera. The greeter-bouncer and I then engaged in a rather graceless dance in which she attempted to block my view in addition to my entrance. After a minute of this and some cries of “you shall not pass”, the greeter-bouncer grabbed me firmly by the shoulders and pushed me backwards with considerable force. I have received the laying on of hands on a number of occasions but never quite like this; I wondered initially whether the greeter-bouncer was trying to convince me that I was being slain in the Spirit: the push, however,  was for the purpose of expulsion rather than spiritual euphoria.

I am not a particularly fragile person, but, other than engaging in a brawl, I quickly realised that resistance was futile so I began to retreat; the greeter-bouncer pressed home her advantage, grabbed my shoulder and marched me out of the building. Unsurprisingly, the commotion caused a number of heads to turn. Had I just been allowed in, no-one would have noticed my presence: one photo and I would have left.

All of which confirms that the diocese has something to hide – in this case the massive crowd of 11 people at their Easter Sunday service.

Here is the greeter-bouncer engaged in round 1 of our minuet:

Here she is mid-lunge as she grasps my shoulders:

This photo is less than sharp because I was in mid stagger when my finger hit the shutter; nevertheless, a quick count reveals 11 people.

Earlier I had attended St. Hilda’s ANiC Sunrise Service at 6:00 a.m. 14  people were there:

And later at 10:00 a.m. I attended St. Hilda’s ANiC Easter Sunday service; naturally, after being ejected from a Diocese of Niagara service for nursing a nasty big camera, I approached the ANiC service with no little trepidation. Needless to say, I was warmly welcomed; and there were rather more people present:

In summary: Michael Patterson is telling fibs; if you are interested in being physically ejected from a church, try going to a Diocese of Niagara parish with a camera; if you want a warm welcome, come to an ANiC parish – camera or no camera.