Anglican Samizdat

February 13, 2009

I’m applying for a job with the Diocese of Niagara

Filed under: Diocese of Niagara — David Jenkins @ 12:20 pm

Here is the job description and my qualifications:

In response to the Bishop’s Vision for the diocese, ‘the Pursuit of Excellence in Ministry’, we are looking for individuals who could be called upon as consultants to:

* coach parishes through the transition between rectors

The Diocese of Niagara Potemkin St. Hilda’s has had 4 rectors – or what the diocese likes to call ‘priests in charge’ – over the last 12 months. I am now an expert in coaching new squatter-priests on how to hurry the last victim out and make the new one feel right at home – in preparation for being hustled out in turn.

* assist a parish in understanding and implementing the Bishop’s vision at the local level,

There isn’t actually anyone left in the diocesan version of the parish, but if there were, I would point out with exacting clarity that the bishop’s vision for St. Hilda’s is to grab the building, get rid of the ‘priest in charge’ and sell it in order to get money to bolster the disintegrating organisation that is unconvincingly attempting an impression of a church.

* work with parishes to understand their identity and create realistic and accurate profiles

This is an easy one: St. Hilda’s identity moved to ANiC along with all the people. I would invite the new priest to join ANiC.

* help communities to think strategically, seeing the big picture and creating a plan for ministry

The diocesan picture is here, where it has attempted to cover ANiC’s big picture with its nasty squat ugly little one. To see the big picture once more revealed, look here. I fully support the big picture.

* be part of a task force that provides a parish with research and makes assessments of demographics and changing trends in an area

The diocese stole most of St. Hilda’s documentation – vestry reports, parish lists and weekly attendance records. To make a start, I would ask for them back.

* assist in creating an agreed upon ministry covenant of expectations between the Bishop, the parish and the incoming priest

The sinister new ‘ministry covenant’ means you have to pledge eternal allegiance to Michael Bird no matter what he decides to do. I would point out to the new ‘priest in charge’ that Michael Bird deserves allegiance since,  in performing same-sex blessings, he is showing prophetic leadership by conforming closely to Canadian culture; and because he is so short.

* be part of the Mission Strategy committee.

The mission strategy is to keep the crumbling diocese on its feet long enough to allow the bishop to retire in comfort. Who could argue with that?

Wonder if I’ll get the job?



  1. You would be a great addition to the diocesan staff.

    Comment by Scott Gilbreath — February 13, 2009 @ 3:35 pm

  2. Thanks Scott; I’ll use you as a reference.

    Comment by David — February 13, 2009 @ 3:46 pm

  3. David,
    I too would be pleased to provide a reference. I’m sure that would clinch the position.
    Break a leg.

    Comment by Jim Muirhead — February 13, 2009 @ 4:19 pm

  4. Thanks Jim.
    I have an uneasy feeling that the only position that would be clinched would be one that entailed a noose.

    Comment by David — February 13, 2009 @ 5:50 pm

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