Anglican Samizdat

February 27, 2009

It’s a bum wrap

Filed under: Manners — David Jenkins @ 3:35 pm

I have nothing against protecting the environment: I don’t like smog, smoke or choking yellow haze any more than the next person, but what I use on my rear for my business is –  my business, even if it results in a little extra landfill.

For the green fanatic, though, there is the Wallypop in a variety of colours and understated patterns:Add an Image

“Alright,” you say, “You’ve convinced me about cloth diapers, and I understand using cloth gift bags and napkins. But toilet paper??” For some people, making the switch to cloth toilet wipes is a huge leap, that’s true. But it doesn’t need to be!

Using cloth toilet wipes actually has many advantages. For one, it’s a lot more comfortable and soft on your most delicate body parts. It’s also more economical, uses less paper, and saves you those late-night trips to the store. And cloth wipes can be used wet without any of the sopping disintegration that regular toilet paper is prone to. For a discussion of the practical aspects of using cloth toilet wipes, please check out our page detailing How to Use Cloth Wipes.

There is nothing new under the sun, of course; here are some much more interesting alternatives – not all of which I have tried – as expounded by Gargantua:

Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

There is a lot more where this came from and the adventurous reader can find it all in Rabelais’ classic,  Gargantua and Pantagruel.



  1. Do you think they’d sell if they had slogans on them -or perhaps the names of certain pointy hats?

    Comment by Jim Muirhead — February 27, 2009 @ 8:56 pm

  2. It occurs to me that the fund raising potential is enormous.

    Comment by Jim Muirhead — February 27, 2009 @ 8:57 pm

  3. 🙂 Brilliant!

    Comment by David — February 27, 2009 @ 10:37 pm

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