Anglican Samizdat

September 28, 2009

The iMission statement

Filed under: Diocese of Niagara — David Jenkins @ 10:04 am

Apple likes to boast that on the iPhone, there is an application for everything: there is even one that generates canned mission statements. The sample statements do evoke an eerie resonance with the various meaningless and vapid specimens I encountered in the companies I have worked for over the years. Here are some of the iMission statements:

Our mission is to continue to appropriately foster strategic value while continuing to conveniently empower alternative data while striving for technical leadership.

Our challenge is to authoritatively restore an expanded array of quality vectors in order to distinctively promote diverse testing procedures to stay competitive in tomorrow’s world.

It is our responsibility to intrinsically build leading-edge total linkage so that we may endeavour to synergistically streamline premium customer service for 100% customer satisfaction.

We will conveniently pursue optimal synergy and also globally negotiate standards-compliant collaboration and idea sharing to meet our customer’s needs. [as an aside, I can’t help noticing that the company that adopts this has only one customer; this is one more than the company deserves]

And now I know where the Diocese of Niagara’s Bishop Michael Bird obtained his vision statement:

Prophetic social justice‐making; flourishing culture of innovation; outstanding leadership for ministry; effective resource management.



  1. Hummm…. My church’s mission statement is “Helping ordinary people become confident, joyful disciples of Jesus Christ”.

    Comment by Kate — September 28, 2009 @ 10:47 am

  2. Dear Kate.

    It seems your church is exclusive! What about those of us who are not ordinary? Some of us are extraordinary as in the case of our David here.

    In jest


    Comment by Obituary — September 28, 2009 @ 1:13 pm

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