Anglican Samizdat

January 5, 2010

Shooting out pebbles onto a metal target

Filed under: sex — David Jenkins @ 4:58 pm

But I bet you’ll never guess from where:

One of the latest trends is “VUM-building,” which sounds like a doomed Soviet industrial project but is apparently a surefire way to get your man addicted to you. VUM stands for “Vaginally Used Muscles,” and a number of schools are offering courses in strengthening and toning the muscles using special equipment — a kind of gym for the vagina.

“Our exercise program can dramatically improve a woman’s sexual performance,” says Olga Nikitina, 40, the founder of the School for VUM-Building in central Moscow. “She can transform herself from a slow Russian car like a Lada into a Ferrari.” To disguise the fact that the equipment really does look like it belongs in a car-mechanic’s workshop — it’s all pressure gauges and rubber hoses — the school’s two rooms are painted pink and blue; stuffed animals model phallic devices.

“Once a woman reaches optimal fitness, she can shoot a fountain of water up out of her vagina in the bath,” boasts Nikitina, a ponytailed blonde in a leopard-print top. The core device is a small silicone balloon that is inserted in the vagina and inflated with a pneumatic pump. “You squeeze against the balloon and measure the pressure on the attached gauges,” says Nikitina. Fine-tuning can be achieved by learning to shoot out pebbles onto a metal target.

I was thinking of taking a trip to Russia this year: home of Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, Gogol and – flying pebbles. That’s the trouble with women these days: they don’t appreciate men for their minds; we have become mere play-things for over-exercised vaginas.


1 Comment

  1. You know…. some things are just better left unsaid. Or at least, un blogged about. ick.

    Comment by Kate — January 6, 2010 @ 12:08 pm

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