Anglican Samizdat

May 20, 2009

Lost in translation

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 4:28 pm
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For reasons that are not apparent to me this article:

Some of the few things that can still scandalise: Bible quotes
The fear appears to be that, in spite of the fact that the US was at war and embroiled in all the horror and mess that accompanies war, the last thing it could afford to do was offend those who are being bombed – or liberated. Could America’s standing in the Arab world be any lower? After this, I suppose Obama will have refine his ingratiation technique and bow to the Saudi King – even lower.

Saddam’s gruesome little tyranny was secular not religious so billing the Iraq war as a crusade, bible verses or not, does not hold water; the mixing of politics and religion is often a recipe for disaster, but those who are most prone to do it – the religious left – will be the noisiest critics of this discovery.

appears to have been translated into some other language, then back into English and re-emerges here:

Some of the not overflowing things that can in any case scandalise: Bible quotes
The cowardice appears to be that, in bitchiness despite of the information that the US was at warfare and embroiled in all the repugnance and around that accompanies warfare, the endure junk it could slacken off on d See to do was embarrass those who are being bombed – or liberated.

The rare junk is not the information that it happened – something that is in reality one mildly surprising – but the pother its disclosure is creating. Could America’s duration in the Arab in all respects be any farther down? After this, I as read Obama purpose be in latest thing hone his ingratiation procedure and curtsey to the Saudi King – equable farther down.

Saddam’s horrid scant dictatorship was terrene not meticulous so billing the Iraq warfare as a struggle with, bible verses or not, does not back water; the mixing of diplomacy and belief is many times a procedure disparage a brave against of cataclysm, but those who are most predisposed to do it – the meticulous left-wing – purpose be the noisiest critics of this disclosure.

I’m still trying to decide which I prefer, the bitchiness of the original or its Borat inspired replacement.

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April 21, 2009

Garden gnomes for the prurient rustic

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:11 pm
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A gardener in the West Midlands, UK is inspiring licentiousness in the population of the tiny village of Hunnington by Add an Imagedisplaying naked garden gnomes. The town council, in a last ditch effort to prevent the village sinking into a slough of Rabelaisian orgiastic abandon, has ordered that the gnomes be robed.

Friendly, unassuming and often cheeky, garden gnomes delight visitors to gardens all over the country, and are rarely a cause for complaint.

But widow Sandra Smith has had to go clothes shopping after a neighbour complained her gnomes were showing just a bit too much bare-faced cheek.

The naked gnomes – which have been pride of place in her West Midlands garden for 15 years – now sport an extra layer after a call from a council officer.

The gymnophobic neighbour has complained:

‘They are childish and I think it pathetic that they are in a front garden in full view of everyone.’

That may be so, but the real question is, is the censorship of nude gnomes a threat to cultural diversity?

March 19, 2009

Part of the Obama stimulus package

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 3:03 pm

Change in America doesn’t start from the top down. It starts from the bottom up.

March 3, 2009

What we’ve all been missing: Womanist Theology

Filed under: Anglican Church of Canada,Daft — David Jenkins @ 6:56 pm
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The Anglican Journal, ever on the bleeding edge, has illumination on Womanist Theology.

‘Womanist’ theologians examine faith from black female prism

I take that back: how do you see through a black prism, even if it is female? But wait, there’s more:

Womanist theologians – female African American theologians who view the Christian faith from the prism of the experience of black women – are celebrating two decades of work of a movement that has gained increasing prominence in U.S. religious and academic circles.

I must live a sheltered life, because up until now I had never heard of Womanist Theology. It seems that “womanist” was coined by Alice Walker:

What then is a womanist? Her origins are in the black folk expression “You acting womanish,” meaning, according to Walker, “wanting to know more and in greater depth than is good for one — outrageous audacious, courageous and willful behavior.” A womanist is also “responsible, in charge, serious.” She can walk to Canada and take others with her. She loves, she is committed, she is a universalist by temperament.

Her universality includes loving men and woman, sexually or nonsexually. She loves music, dance, the spirit, food and roundness, struggle, and she loves herself. “Regardless.”

To any womanist reading this, rest assured there is a place for you in the Anglican Church of Canada where the bishops are universalists too, loving men and women sexually and non-sexually. Like you, they love food and roundness; they struggle – often with their trousers because of the roundness – and they definitely love themselves. They have little regard for anything other than their own culturally insular preoccupations – mostly sex and roundness – so one could certainly call them “Regardless”. You will fit right in.

January 27, 2009

Rapping Richard

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 8:17 pm
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Richard Dawkins in a rare coherent moment:

January 17, 2009

Atheists in Canada

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 4:11 pm

The atheist bus ad campaign is coming to Canada, specifically Toronto.

In polite Canada it will say “There is probably no God – unless that idea offends you, in which case there probably is. May we respectfully offer the suggestion that you might want to consider that it could be a good idea to stop worrying and enjoy your life. Unless you enjoy worrying, in which case it is OK to worry. Eh.”

Psychiatric knit-wit

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 1:31 pm

From the TelegraphAdd an Image

Psychiatrist Dr Karen Norberg, of National Bureau of Economic Research in Cambridge, Massachusetts, spent a year knitting an anatomically correct replica of the human brain.

“For me, there were two humorous aspects. One was simply to undertake such a ridiculously complex, time consuming project for no practical reason.

“The second was the idea of making a somewhat mysterious and difficult object – a brain – out of a ‘cuddly’, cheerfully coloured, familiar material like cotton yarn.”

Here we have the rare case of a psychiatrist spending a year doing something useful – insofar as she could not use the time taken knitting to further muddle some already sufficiently addled patient-victim.

January 10, 2009

The Politically Incorrect Guide to 1 Cor. 14:34

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 3:34 pm

January 8, 2009

Love thy neighbor, yet pull not down thy hedge

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:07 am

I knew there was something funny in the Durham air:

A vicar and his neighbour have been arrested on suspicion of assault after a Add an Imagedispute over the height of a 20ft beech hedge between their homes.

Rev Stuart Bennett and Brian Stokoe were held for questioning over the alleged incident before being released on bail.

Tempers are understood to have flared on a Sunday 11 days before Christmas in what is believed to have been a long running dispute.

Mr Stokoe had previously complained about having “to live with these hedges for a long time now”.

He said: “They are beech hedges which are prolific growers and they are blocking all the light from my house and the elderly residents on the other side.

“I have discussed it with Stuart but he claims it is not his responsibility and the church has no money to pay for it.”

“The Bishop of Durham is aware of Mr Bennett’s situation and has asked the Archdeacon of Durham to look into the matter. It is now in the hands of the police and there is no other comment.”

I can hear Tom Wright now: “the hedge provides a moment when the abstract analysis offered by postmodernity suddenly becomes concrete”. The obvious solution is to compel the impecunious vicar, his benighted neighbour and the hedge to form an indaba group; then the hedge could tell its story.

January 4, 2009

Anglican Predictions for 2009

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:03 am

Anglican church attendance in North America will continue to decline.

Katherine Jefferts-Schori and Fred Hiltz will stem the tide by continuing to speak with a prophetic voice: they will apologise for their heterosexuality and will work to aspire more closely to the homosexual ideal.

Some heterosexual clergy will have a sex change operation so that they can more fully express their inner homosexuality.

Other, more moderate clergy will become cross-dressers.

Rowan Williams will shave his beard in order to appear more effeminate.

Katherine Jefferts-Schori will start wearing makeup in order to appear more effeminate.

Gene Robinson will realise that nothing he can do will make him appear more effeminate.

Robinson will declare that he is living proof that there is a gay gene.

Conversations and dialogue will continue on the meaning of the word “evangelism”. The provisional conclusion will be that it means “inclusion”.

The North American dioceses that favour more inclusion will demand oaths of allegiance to the bishop before members are allowed to take Communion. This is how they will evangelise.

Fred Hiltz will continue to encourage Canadian dioceses to honour the moratorium on same sex blessings – to the greatest extent possible.

Fred Hiltz will preside at same sex blessing ceremonies in the dioceses of New Westminster, Niagara, Montreal and Ottawa.

A mole in the diocese of Niagara will leak that Michael Bird wears platform shoes.

December 28, 2008

Bulging with accomplishments

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 3:27 pm

Unintended humour department:Add an Image

[Katie] Jordan tries hard to beat New Year bulge with a seafront workout.

She already has a number of accomplishments under her belt including several books, two perfumes and an underwear range.

No wonder there is a bulge.

December 7, 2008

Gilligan’s Grace

Filed under: Daft,Diocese of Niagara — David Jenkins @ 8:51 pm

Some things are so antithetical to the natural harmony of the universe that they threaten to loosen the cohesion of the space-time continuum, accelerate entropy and hasten the day when the universe will collapse once more into a singularity.

For example: shopping on Sundays; season’s greetings; Canadian politics; Mohamed Elmasry. And this from the Synod Office of the Diocese of Niagara:

December 2, 2008

Granny Goosebumps

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:14 pm
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This could only happen in the Anglican Church. From the Anglican Journal

Grannies take it off in support of HIV orphansAdd an Image
Calendar sales help African orphans

Meet Ms. June, Jennifer Davis, one of 12 grandmothers who appear in the Quinte Grannies for Africa calendar. The Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign will aid grandmothers in Africa. She wore this veil at her wedding on June 19, 1971 at Holy Trinity (Anglican) Church in Toronto.

Twelve grandmothers from the diocese of Ontario have taken off their clothes for a 2009 calendar to raise funds for the Grandmothers to Grandmothers campaign, which helps support African grandmothers who are taking care of their grandchildren orphaned by HIV-AIDS.

I know its succumbing to bribery, but I am willing to make a donation: if the cavorting naked grannies would put their clothes back on.

November 30, 2008

Bedtime stories

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:12 am

Forget about Winnie the Pooh, Narnia, and The Wind in the Willows, let’s confuse our children with The God Delusion instead.

From the lunatic’s guide to children’s literature here:

A book you hope parents will read to their kids: “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. He is one of the intellectual heroes of our age.

November 25, 2008

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong

Filed under: Daft — David Jenkins @ 12:39 pm
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From Here

Muslim is spared a speeding ban so he can drive between his two wivesAdd an Image

When it comes to avoiding a ban for speeding, the courts hear every excuse in the book.

But yesterday one motorist offered what must be a unique reason why he should keep his licence.

Mohammed Anwar said a ban would make it difficult to commute between his two wives and fulfil his matrimonial duties.

His lawyer told a Scottish court the Muslim restaurant owner has one wife in Motherwell and another in Glasgow – he is allowed up to four under his religion – and sleeps with them on alternate nights.

He also needed his driving licence to run his restaurant in Falkirk, Stirlingshire.

Airdrie Sheriff Court had heard that Anwar was caught driving at 64mph in a 30mph zone in Glasgow, fast enough to qualify for instant disqualification.

Anwar admitted the offence, but Sheriff John C. Morris accepted his plea not to be banned and allowed him to keep his licence.

Instead, he was fined £200 and given six penalty points.

His lawyer, Paul Nicolson, said: “He realises his licence is at risk, but this is an unusual case and is very anxious to keep his driving licence.

“He has one wife in Motherwell and another in Glasgow and sleeps with one one night and stays with the other the next on an alternate basis.

“Without his driving licence he would be unable to do this on a regular basis.”

Now this all seems perfectly reasonable to me. In fact, I think the speeding laws should be modified thus:
1 wife: must drive at the speed limit
2 wives: allowed to drive 20 km/hour over the limit
3 wives: allowed to drive 30 km/hour over the limit
4 wives: allowed to drive 40 km/hour over the limit
5 wives and above: should be given a state supplied Aston Martin and allowed to drive at any speed.

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